My Corner of the Internet

Lesson of the day:

2007-01-19T15:06:00.000+08:00

Never, never try to eat a mouthful of pasta laden with seasonings and garlic, and then wash it down with a cold Milo drink immediately after.

The sensation of that combination is not something you'd want on your tongue; unless you don't mind having your taste buds screwed, perhaps for good.

On one hand, I'd consider the experience an unexpected experiment. On the other hand I'd say it was one of the worst mistakes I'd ever made in my life.

Question: Can there be such people as sado-masochistic gourmets; people who like to push their tastes to the limits (if such a concept can exist) with experimenting new flavours, even if it means eventually numbing their sense of taste?

Guess that is a possibility, although it also kind of takes away the whole idea of being able to taste and appreciate good food and drink. If there such people about; oh well, good luck to them, the poor sods.

A post-New Year post

2007-01-04T12:04:00.000+08:00

Before I start the post proper, let me just point out that usually a post-New Year post would mean that it was done a day after New Year itself, or something to that effect anyway. But instead, I get it done three days after New Year. Oh yes, that's like soooo recent that is.

Ok then, now that I've got my peevishness (which apparently pretty much means grouchiness) out of the way, I can get to writing about the most recent happenings in the miserable issue that is my life.

Let's see...

Obviously, the most recent thing that's happened not just in my life, but all over the world, is the arrival of the new year - 2007. Whoop-dee-doo. A new year, a whole new set of events in the future to kick this world in the arse. It's damn pessimistic of me, I know. But at this point, I'm not really looking forward in time. I can't and won't look back because that'll cause a lot more emotional havoc for me. So I'm pretty much stuck in limbo in the present, which means I just live and take each day as it comes and goes...for now anyway.

Speaking of New Year and anything to do with it, here's what happened in Hong Kong during the New Year countdown: at the stroke of twelve, it sounded like the entire city had either suffered multiple road accidents or all the carhorns in the city had gone haywire because every vehicle up and about in the streets was honking away long and loud. And then as if that wasn't enough, the ships at the harbour added their foghorns to the noise. Not exactly my idea of sounding out the arrival of the New Year. Benefit of the doubt should be given to the fact that this was a festive occasion to mark, otherwise the place should've been called "Honk Kong" instead.

And for those that didn't know it, I went to Hong Kong and Shenzhen for a holiday with my family during the last few days of Christmas and then into the New Year. One of the most prominent things about them two, it was bloody friggin cold. And it wasn't like there was snow or ice around or anything, but it was still cold as the inside of a freezer if not colder. My last experiences with a cold environment are all but forgotten so I had no idea what I was in for.

What can I say of Hong Kong, it's a city like any other city in Asia, almost no different from KL or Singapore and the likes. But two things which still stick in my mind about that place which is not in KL anywhere. One is the McCafes in Hong Kong, which we don't have anywhere here in Malaysia's McDonalds. Another which are all the buildings around Hong Kong's urban areas with construction frames made of bamboo. Reminds me of all those old Jackie Chan's Police Story films for some reason; must be the fight scenes I remember.

The Disneyland in Hong Kong is probably one of the city's most popular sites. But that I suppose also depends on what you're going there for. If you're looking for all the thrilling rides and stuff, you're better off going to the Disneyland in Los Angeles. But if you're looking for "gentler" (for lack of a better word) forms of entertainment in a Disneyland, then this one should do nicely. Spent pretty much an entire day there and went on nearly every ride and saw nearly every show there. Staying there for the New Year countdown wasn't such a bad idea at first, until we learned that we had to find our own way back to the hotel since the tour bus wasn't going to be on call at 12 midnight. So we decided to scuff the idea since we were all already dead tired by 9 pm.

Shenzhen is very much in the same mould like Hong Kong (which should only be because they're neighbours after all) . It's a city, it's big, it's got about several million inhabitants; of which only one million are apparently from Shenzhen itself. But its also got its own charms, like the Window of the World, which is a theme park with minatures of famous buildings around the world like the Pyramids, the Leaning Tower of Pisa, the Taj Mahal and a whole of others. Some of the minatures are about the size of hobby models, others were large enough to be life-sized in their own right.

Aside from that, we also visited the Splendid China, another minature historical and cultural museum this time centered upon China itself. Not a bad place either, especially since they also had performances based on the various sub-cultures found in China.

We also learned a lesson about the city's inhabitants from our tour guide by way of wise, old saying:

"When you put your wallet in your front pocket, it's your own; when you put your wallet in your side pocket, it's someone else's; when you put your wallet in your back pocket, it's everyone else's"

Wise words indeed.

In case anyone's wondering if there were any photos taken during the entire trip, yes there were, but you'd have to look up my Friendster profile to see it. I'm too lazy to try and upload it onto the blog. Bite me.

That's all for now. If there's anything else, I probably won't be posting it until much much later.
And we all know when that will be, won't we?

It's been a while...

2006-11-13T07:48:00.000+08:00

...since I wrote something on this damned blog. Actually I'd say it has been a very long while since I've written anything on it. But that's just stating what's obvious to anyone who's updated on current events and whatnot. Here's what may not have been so obvious since the time of my last post...

I've been bopping about with depression ever since I got my results from 1st year law school and learned that I screwed the entire year over simply because I screwed up one paper, badly. And it wasn't like I got sterling results for the other papers either. It’s a crushing feeling; believe me, and one that's not really easy to get over at that. Especially if you've got parents like mine (especially my mother, again) who like to breathe that failure down your neck over and over again. But then again, I don't even need my parents to make me feel like shite over my results. I’m still feeling the weight of guilt over my head and my heart. Man I hate this…

Moving on to more current events…

I’m taking up membership classes in Wesley Methodist church in order to be officially declared a member of that church. However they’re more like sessions on the psychiatrist’s couch, except without the couch itself. I seem to be getting counselling for my personal issues rather than learning more about my religion and the particular denomination I belong to. So much for the classes… But there’s progress, however little it may seem. And I guess that’s a good thing. Hopefully it’ll be permanent too.

Applied to four unis in Western Australia, of which three have answered so far. And here’s the funny part: the uni that I intend to go to, UWA, had given me a positive reply for my application – 13 days ago apparently, but they haven’t sent me a letter of advice to accept that offer. And so I feel like I’m caught between a rock and a hard place, and there’s tumbling boulder heading my way to smash me some more. The sickening irony of it all is killing me, really it is.

Joined the church choir in preparing for a concert this Christmas eve; had been since what, October? Seems to be turning out well, which I’m thinking is the best thing I’ve experienced all of these few months. Well, maybe not the only one that’s happened, but it’s the only one that I can think of at the moment. I just hope we don’t waste about three months or so preparing for this just to screw it up in one fell swoop on the night to be. It could really just kill some of those who had practically put their hearts and souls into the whole darn thing, present company excluded.

Well, that’s all I can remember to say at the moment. If there’s anything else, I’ll update this blog again, assuming I actually remember it long enough and that I’d care enough about it to put it down at that. In the meantime, have a nice day you all. :)

Yours truly,
KTTJ

P.S. You know I wasn't sincere about that last line, right?

The wilted flowers

2006-10-07T00:44:00.000+08:00

Memory…
Where have you gone to?
Why have you left?
Why am I dead to you now?

Tis the cruelty and sorrow of time
We go on, we go away
As we go away, we fade away
Like autumn leaves, we fly with the wind
And winter sets in

It is cold, it is bitter
Nature goes into hiding
That which hides not, is dead
Dead to the cruelty of weather
O, how a blow has fate dealt

Where have you gone to, friend?
Were you ever my friend?
Or was it all a lie?
A sweet, cruel illusion?
Nay, I dare not say
Would I then remain in this infernal bliss?

It has meant nothing
Only a time to have met
Only to be forgotten…
A bitter photograph
A taste in your tongue with every view

But alas it cannot keep forever
Perhaps it was never meant to
And so I bring my last flowers
Here I shall lay them at the stone
The sombre monument that marks the end
And here I shall bid my adieus
Goodbye to you

Changing, and moving on...

2006-09-27T16:09:00.000+08:00

There’re a lot of times when you feel you’ve hit the bottom
But no matter how many times you do, there’s always an option
Stay down there and rot; or get up, get out, and move on with your life
There’s no doubt, it’s damn difficult to swallow failure
Especially when you’ve only just begun
But the time of life goes on, and you can do nothing about it
Nothing, except to do whatever you can with what’s left of it

Would it help you to keep putting yourself down because of it?
Will it all go away just because you hope for it?
Will anything in this world change to suit your whims and fancies?

No
Nothing will change
And most certainly not to suit your fancies
That’s reality for you
Stark, cold, bitter reality
There are no dreams
No sudden miracles
Nothing that can make everything become alright again magically
And if you can’t accept that, you’re better off living in another world

At times, you really feel like nothing goes right with you
Everything you touch turns from gold to dust
Everything you do gets screwed up one way or another
You annoy the shite out of everyone you meet with
Everything about you gets out of control
Especially out of your control

In the end, you feel you’re left with nothing
You don’t know what to do
You don’t even know what to think of the situation
You feel so frustrated with the way things go
You just want to crawl into a grave and stay in there for good
Just to rest in peace forever
There’s just one little problem with that
You’re not dead yet

No matter how dead you think you may be
Or how empty and unfulfilled your life seems to be
It’s not time yet to say goodbye.
Well, I guess it also depends on who and what you say goodbye to
The point is though, your life’s not over yet
Therefore, you’ve still got time, however much or little it may be
So, go on, seize it, and do something worthwhile with your life
You had just better make sure you know damn well what you’re doing it for, and that you’re damn sure you want to do it.
Because otherwise you’re going to regret it for the rest of your life
And then, it’ll really be over

Lonely, Silent, and Pointless

2006-09-20T08:19:00.000+08:00

I have said nothing thus far
Simply because there was nothing to say at all
There are times like that, I guess
Times where you feel you’ve got so much to say
But you just can’t
Can’t, or won’t
Or just don’t feel like doing it afterwards

Times when you want to contradict what someone has to say
You know you’re right
Or you feel that you’d be right
Whatever you may think, you don’t say it anyway
Why? Only you can answer that
I mean apart from the fact that you’re probably the only one who knows what’s going on inside of you…
Do you really think people are going to waste their time wanting to find out what you have to say?

The answer is: Of course…not
People aren’t interested in what others have to say
Or if they are, they aren’t that interested
Maybe there is interest, but they don’t say it
They’re waiting for you to make your own move
That’s the way it is all the time now, isn’t it?
If you don’t do it yourself, you’ll get nowhere
No one’s going to be there for you all the time
No one’s always going to save you when you fall into the pit
You’re on your own

There’s always a helping hand out there, somewhere
But what good is that hand if you’re not going to grasp it first?
You’d have to want to be helped
Which means you’ve got to do your part in the situation, whatever it may be
Otherwise, there’s no point

Come to that, if one were to look through a different screen...
They’d come to a baffling conclusion
There’s really no point in anything
No point in sleeping, eating, doing the things we do to live
We’re like machines that function for the simple, meaningless purpose of just existing
But if there’s no point in existing then why do we exist all the same?

God only knows…
After all, He knows everything
But I don’t think He’s about to tell us anytime soon

This is yet another glimpse into the empty, gloomy, decrepit place that is my life’s story
The supremacy of Pessimism…

The old home

2006-09-05T16:22:00.000+08:00

It’s been a while
Gone, but back again
Like returning to an old home
Where all the spirits linger

You’ve got the good ones, the bad ones
The sweet ones, the bitter ones
It makes you want to cry
Cause everything just comes rushing back

The air’s thick with memories
Flitting about like restless ghosts
They’ll never leave you alone
Because you’ll never want them to

Step upon the floor
Listen to the hollow mimic
Call with your voice
Listen to the hollow mocking

No one’s home
Because there never was anyone
But as you go on further
You realise Someone’s there

Someone’s always been there

Why He stays when everyone else has left
Only He will ever know
But He doesn’t care
He’s only been waiting for you

Time will pass
Things will change
People will go
But He will not

He was, and is, and is to come
His Word will never change or fade
Nor will His Love
For that is who He is

Where is Heaven?

2006-08-03T11:56:00.000+08:00

There’s a little House each one knows of.
A Lonely’s sanctuary, a place none else can enter.
It is home of the Heart.
It is a place of rest for the Soul.

Finding this place can be difficult for some.
But it can be found, eventually.
Once found, there is nary a wish to leave.
For it is private paradise.

The less fortunate will search and search.
And they never find this place of rest.
They are as paradoxes in life.
They have yet they lack all.

It is well to say there is private paradise.
But is it truly?
It is easy for Heart to deceive Heart.
And thus be chained to an eternal prison.

Many are those whose eyes are closed.
Few are they who see the truth:
There is no such paradise; it is a lie of the Flesh.
There is one greater beyond this.

Can we live in this world beyond our own?
Yes, we will, someday.
But it takes a strong heart to believe, against all odds.
That is what we need.

A long, lonely road

2006-07-20T20:43:00.000+08:00

It’s a never-ending journey
A walk down a long, long road
There’s never an end in sight
And always a change to your load

The tides of Change ebb and flow
Whilst the winds of Time blow
The leaves of Memory slowly float
And come to rest by the flowing moat

People come and go
Does anybody know?
Why does no one stop to talk?
Why on do we just walk?

No one knows each other
We’re all strangers here
Ghosts to the eye of the mind
We see but we are blind

Where have you gone?
Are you now just one?
One among the faceless many
A piece among the pennies

I know you once no more
Something’s lost inside my core
The pain’s a fleeting thing though
It’ll take wing soon enough

We don’t remember
That’s always so
But for all that we are
There’s something I know

It’s a long, lonely road
And things are never the same
And with the change
There’s also the pain
But with each step I take, I know
I’m going back to where He came

One heck of a week...

2006-07-16T21:01:00.000+08:00

Yes, that's what this has been to me: one heck of a week.

I mean first, there was the normal CF meeting on Thursday afternoon, which I'll always enjoy no matter what. Then I decided to follow the guys who went to the Inti CF rally and see for myself what it was going to be like. Looking back, I really thank God that I did, otherwise I don't think I would've been as freed in the heart as I am now. Thanks also to Pastor Ryan, for having given me that message that freed my heart.

That was Thursday, right after that was CampusCity Nite on Friday evening; an event I must have practically spent the entire week waiting for. And I think it was definitely worth the wait (and the shriving). Of course, there were at least (according to someone who came for the event) three other events happening around SS15 at about the same as ours. And the area was very packed, even for a weekend night. But still overall, I really thank God for a night like that, not forgetting the guys at CampusCity, with whom I had the pleasure of working with and serving. Thanks a lot guys, for everything!

Come Saturday, I went to watch Superman Returns(!) with my sisters. The addition of the bracketed exclamation mark is to represent the note of astonishment and amazement I would have in my voice if I were to say it instead. And its obviously because I rarely get to watch movies at all, much less in the circumstances like this Saturday night. As for the movie, well...pretty good I guess, Bryan Singer did it again. Noelle rated it B+, guess I'd agree with her there. It wasn't a bad show overall, but it could've been better. But then again, I've never directed a movie before, so I can't really say much there either. But kudoes to Brandon Routh, he makes a good Clark Kent and Superman.

Finally, today, the 1st Malacca Company of the Boys' Brigade had their 44th enrollment Sunday today at Wesley Church as usual. I can't believe I realise only now how much I've missed within a year plus. But I'm really planning to make up for all that. I thank God once again for opening my eyes and giving me a chance to serve with the boys again. And thanks also go to Mr. Lim for being understanding and accepting as he always is. I really can't believe how much I've missed all this time, even if its only about a year and a half!

This has really been nothing if not one blessed week for me, I don't care if others think I'm starting to become saintly or something. As far as I'm concerned, the Lord is really working wonders in my life right now. And I can only hope one day I'll be able to repay Him.

For all I know, maybe I'm already doing that right now. Only God knows (heh heh), and only Time will tell.

Solitaire...

2006-07-11T16:13:00.000+08:00

I don't know how the fark it works, but it does.

Solitaire can actually help lighten your emotional burdens, especially if its (you guessed it) loneliness.

KNNCCBWTF...!!! Why the heck did the Carpenters have to come up with that kind of song?!?!?!

And then why did that farking Clay Aiken have to do a remake of it too?!?!?!

Most of all, why the fark are they both so effective in wrenching my emotions?!?!?!

WHY, WHY, WHY......?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

......

*sighs*

I just read Kai's blog and the latest post of Mr. Graham's and Ms. Kristen's departure from our fair (cough!) country to return back to Canada. I wasn't there to see them off, thank God; but somehow, I can't help but share the emo of it too. I mean its really something when you grow close to your teachers and then you watch as they leave your life, most probably for good. And so you can't help but cry bitter tears inside, and you feel like you don't have the strength to go on at that point in time.

Its very strange and paradoxical sometimes. For some people that we formed good relationships with, when we part ways and don't see each other probably ever again, there's hardly if any pain at all. But for others, its like they take a piece of you with them when they go, and you're left not feeling the same.

Why does it happen that way? Is there some reason behind it?

Of course, me being the clueless idiot that I am, I don't have the answer to that question. I cannot explain why some people will leave a scar on your heart when they leave your life. I cannot explain why Time, Circumstance, and our own emotions can torment us in such ways. But somehow, there's always a reason for everything that happens. And that includes the pain that comes with the departure of friends and loved ones from our lives, whether temporary or permanently.

It really can be looked that way I guess. That even when people leave you to move on with their lives, its only a temporary (so to speak) departure, in comparison to the fact if someone you knew died. There's always a chance to see them again (those who're still alive I mean); and besides, we're living in the Digital Age dammit. There's a reason why we've got e-mails and online chat messenger programs and all that bollocks.

In any event, I guess its also fortunate that the human life is blessed with two things: Change, and a short memory. As we change with time, our memories of the ones who've left our lives begin to fade, taking with it the pain. Of course there are always the exceptions, like our family or closest friends and all that. But otherwise, the rule is pretty much the same for everybody, we move on, and we slowly but inevitably forget. Sad, but true, and effective.

Maybe God really has a reason for making us feel this way that we do. I mean, maybe its a test to see at the end of the day, whom we'll miss more: our friends and loved ones whose presence on this world is as fleeting as our own, or Him whose presence will never fade even after everything else has rotted away to oblivion.

Looking on it now, its really surprising how one can often take God's presence on this world for granted. Maybe its the concept we've learnt to adopt that God is always there, even when we don't want Him to be. And so we also learn to knowingly and willfully ignore Him from our daily lives until we really no longer feel His presence anymore. When that happens, its pretty much safe to say we've put ourselves into deep shite.

Well, I'm not going to be putting up a sermon here, so I guess that'll be the end of that. And as for the Solitaire thing, lets just say the song and the game has more to it than meets the eye, to me at any rate.

......

To Phebe, Kai, Jin, Paul, Yin Yee, Erin, Fu Yew, Prax, and a whole lot of my other mates whom I'll probably never see again.

"I will miss you, that's for sure. But I know God's there with me, just as He is with you. And that's what will make everything alright. And so, all the pain and tears aside, I'm glad to have known someone like you in my life."

Yours truly,

Going home

2006-07-05T02:15:00.000+08:00

Once, I thought I knew.
But now, I know better.
It’s the bitter sting of being wrong.
Wrong all along and everywhere.

So it’s time to do the right thing.
It’s time for me to pack my bags.
It’s time for me to turn around,
And say goodbye.

Goodbye to all the things I knew.
Goodbye to all the thoughts I had.
Goodbye to the life I’ve led this long.
It’s time to fly, up and away.

It’s hard to do.
Of course it’s hard to do.
What other can be worse,
Than to know the truth of a lie?

A drunk trying to forswear his bottle,
That’s what it feels like.
To know you’re walking away from your loves,
But you never truly knew.

In the end, what’s to be done is to be done.
There’s no room for tears.
No compromises.
No second chances.

As I turn to leave, I glance over my shoulder.
I see the things I leave behind crumble and burn.
Eventually, like a fire with no more fuel,
They’re blown away and scattered to the wind.

I look ahead, and there’s a big familiar house at the end of the road.
I listen, and there’s a warm familiar voice calling my name.
I don’t know how I know it,
But somehow I know, at long last, I’ve come home.

And that’s where I’ll stay.

Thank You

2006-06-29T19:31:00.000+08:00

I've come a long way.
But there's a long way more to go still.
I've seen the mountains and oceans.
I've also seen the hills and the rivers.

I've been through the sunshine and the rain.
I've been through some of the worst storms I can ever imagine.
And yet, through it all, You have always been there, by my side.
In the good times and the bad.
In my up and down times.
You had always been there.
Even though I never could see You.

I always thought I was alone, that no one would be there for me.
But then You proved me wrong, You showed Yourself to me.
Yet, I still turned away.
I ran from You.
I hid from You.

I never thought I could ever come back to You.
Not after all that I had done.
I felt I couldn't accept it.
That I'd burn with the shame and the guilt.
And so I turned and ran.

I thought I could still hold on to what I had.
Instead, I lived a life, lost.
I became broken in heart and in spirit.
I felt that I had completely lost my way.
And that I was surely doomed for the Flames.

But then, in spite of all that, You still kept calling me back.
You had never given up.
You had never stopped loving me.
Slowly, surely, patiently, You called me back to You.
You showed me the things I'd never thought I'd find.
All the Love and Grace You had for me, the world could never hold.

How I cried.
How I felt so broken.
How I felt my heart ache and rend.
It was that painful.
But it was beautiful too.
The most beautiful thing that's happen to me in a long long time.
Strange the way things can work in one's life.

Like I said, there's still a long way more to go.
So there's plenty more things to weather along the way still.
But if there's one thing I'm sure of now, You'll always be there with me, for me.
People may mock me because of who I am.
People may hate me because of who I am.
But if You're there in my life, what do I care of what others may think, say, or do?
Because as long as You're there, everything will be alright in the end.

There's more I wish I could say.
But time and tide wait for no man.
So before I end this tribute to You, I wish to say one last thing.
For what it's worth after everything that's been said and done.

Thank You very much, Lord Jesus Christ, for everything.

Yours truly, now and always.

Headaches

2006-06-26T19:10:00.000+08:00

I woke up today with my head feeling like I had an icepick wedged into the back of my skull. Either that, or there's liquid mercury in there that's causing the problem, making my head hurt like shite everytime it sloshes against my skull. One possible explanation for it is that I didn't get enough sleep.

But I think the main cause of it all is once again, as usual, the weight of my worries bludgeoning me all over (but mostly my head). Bloody Hell, I think I really ought to see a psychiatrist now, I mean this is really really bad. I have absolutely no drive to study or do work, I skipped my Contract Law tutorial (the first time I've ever done so). And those are the only two things I know I've done wrong today...so far. God knows what else I'll screw up for the rest of the week, or even just for today. As far as I'm concerned, that's bad enough.

It really burns me up with frustration to know that I have absolutely no determination to do what I ought to do to see me through my first year of law school. Its like slowly and knowingly loading a gun, cocking it, and putting it to your head to pull the trigger. Arrrrgghh...!!!

And so what am I doing just sitting here and blogging about it?!?! Double Arrrrgghh...!!!

I really wonder at those people who have what it takes to just sit down and do what they've got to do. Sure, for some of them, its what they enjoy doing, so there's no problem for them there. But studying sure as heck isn't exactly everyone's idea of having an enjoyable time! If that was the case, I wouldn't be sitting here venting my frustrations out on my blog because I'd be too immersed in my studying!

Maybe the cold, cruel reality of it all just hasn't hit me yet. Or if it has before, it wasn't hard enough. I'm way behind progress, there's lots of things to be done, but my motivation for it all is about as active as a sloth. Its like a big cruel ironic paradox that I should know what I'm not doing, what I should do, but I'm not doing it all the same.

Its not a question now of whether I have the interest in law. Interest is not an object here, initiative is. And I can think of several reasons why my initiative to get started is practically none existent. While I won't go into finer details, I can definitely say that I really need to boot myself into action. I don't know how I'm ever going to do that, but I will have to find a way, soon.

But one thing is for certain, regardless of the current situation. As far as exams and blogging are concerned, I'll still be around. Because if all goes well (hopefully), there'll always be a time for blogging, even in the midst of exams. So even come the end of August, this blog will still see regular (as often as that is with me) updates.

That's all for now, and if someone has any advice or suggestions as to my problem, please do give them. Because I really need them.

A candle in the dark

2006-06-19T19:38:00.000+08:00

Confused.

That's about the only word to describe my condition these days.

I'm confused with just about everything.

I'm confused about my life, the way it's going, people around me, you get the idea.

Really just everything.

I'm walking about in darkness, not being able to see anything beyond, stopping only when I trip or bump into something.

Its like I'm totally devoid of senses.

Only that these senses are of my mental, emotional and spiritual perceptions.

I don't know what to think, feel, or do.

Its like I don't know how to flaming breathe anymore.

But the thing is I still do breathe.

Which means I should still be able to think and feel like anyone else.

I should......

How does one get out of a rut of fear, insecurity, pressure, and stress, most of which are self-inflicted?

How does one tell oneself that he/she can rise above the dregs and succeed?

How do you succeed, when circumstance pits the odds against you?

At this time, my only hope in deliverance rests in two things: myself and God.

I have to do what I know I can do on my own to rise above my problem.

And whatever else that's beyond my reach, I place my trust in Him.

To me, there simply is no other way around it.

Everytime I panic at the thought of my troubles and contemplate suicide, I think of all the things and people I'd leave behind.

I think of a future I'd destroy: my own.

A future that could be happy, shared with others, taken away by my own selfish, thoughtless act.

Everything ruined because I was too frightened to face reality.

And so I promise myself that will never happen.

That I will find a way to get through this, and succeed.

With all other things said, done, and spent, I turn to Him for help.

But I hope never to turn away from Him again.

For without Him, I will be lost again, maybe forever.

Lost in the darkness, without His light to guide me.

So I pray that I will continue to hold on to His candle long after this, and never let it go.

Never again.

Antidote

2006-06-13T19:18:00.000+08:00

Last night has to be one of the worst nights I had ever had the misfortune of experiencing. I watched half the match of Australia against Japan and then left to spend an hour at a nearby CC. Came out an hour later feeling like shit. And then felt it some more when I stepped out of the CC in time to witness the Aussies scoring their second goal because I was optimistic(!) enough to hope that the Japs would win the match. Walked a bit further, was nearing the exit of Asia Cafe, to witness the third goal scored against the Japs, accompanied by a whoop of joy by a whole multitude of Aussie supporters there.

I couldn't take it, otherwise, I felt I would snap and take up a chair on somebody and then you'd see what usually happens with over-ardent football club supporters on the news happen right here in your own country. If you're even more unlucky, right in your neighbourhood. If your luck is the shittiest, you'd be caught right there in the maelstrom of violence; and you can't get any unluckier than that.

I've said it before, I'm not a football fan(atic). And I couldn't care less about Japan losing the match. But the reason I felt like I would go beserk if I stayed in that place any longer was because my emotions were already like a seething cauldron on the verge of explosion. And to start a fight like that is nothing short of sheer stupidity. And so, what could I do but quietly make my way back home with a heavy heart and a stupid head.

It should've been quite simple for anyone to see, if they paid attention, that I was feeling very very emo. In fact, I felt so emo that I was seriously considering drinking beer or any other alcoholic beverage within arm's (and wallet's) reach, just to wash my sorrows away and send me to oblivion until I'm ready enough to come back to reality. To anyone who doesn't know it yet, I can't drink shit amount of alcohol to save my life as I have a hediously low tolerance for it. So, just give me even a flaming shandy (without my knowledge and consent), and if you're lucky (and willing), you'll see an interesting show soon after.

Why the shitty feeling, you may ask? I screwed up another online conversation, that's what. Yea I know, sounds reeaaally bad. Oh yes, it's about as bad as knowing that a hair on your head was out of place this morning. But the difference with this (to me) was that it was a special conversation, go figure. And what did I do? I said stupid things, and asked equally awkward and idiotic questions. It came to the point that we reached a long moment of awkward, agonising silence. And so I decided to break it off by apologising to her as best as I could, if it was even necessary in the first place, say goodnight and log off feeling like the bloodiest idiot on the planet.

Come to think of it, I didn't even need alcohol to get me drunk. I was already drunk enough (figuratively speaking) in my own sad, angry, lonely, and depressed thoughts.

I remember spending the remainder of last night quietly weeping and berating myself for behaving like an idiot online. I just kept on thinking of the negative impression I must've given her. I just kept on reminding myself how I perceived myself to be unlike other people who were pretty much mentally and emotionally stable.

The word "perceived" is used because many people tell me that it's not a real thing. That it's pretty much a delusion I've put upon myself for reasons known only to me. A culmination of my anti-social behaviour, and whatever-other-nonsensical theories they came up with.

I can't deny the fact though, that many of these theories are actually and sadly quite true. I am, for the most part, an anti-social person. I don't mix around with any group of friends in particular and hang out with them. I tend to give most people a bad impression before they ever get a chance to try and know me. Heck, I don't even smile most of the time in the first place.

Pessimism is really a curse to anyone who thinks they can live with it. I certainly know I can't take it any longer. And like Jin, were it not for the fact that I'm very much afraid of pointy things or just things that would hurt me in general, I think I'd have been dead a long time ago.

It'll only cost me a few ringgit at most, and I don't really care for the nutrition part involved right now. I'm going to take Jin's advice on this for once and have some chocolate afterwards.

Funny the things that can make you feel loads better.

Back, with football in mouth

2006-06-12T19:38:00.000+08:00

I haven't blogged for over two weeks now, so it's perfectly understandable for some to think that this blog had become all but forgotten (well, maybe that too). I'm only surprised that Jin's first words to me when he saw me online again was not "write something interesting on your blog." ahaha...er...*ahem* I'm thinking, though, that its because he's just tired of asking people (me of all people too) to do that, or maybe he wanted to do that but forgot or...

I'm digressing here.

I guess I'm just not one of those hardcore bloggers (is there such a thing? *shrugs*). Or one of those who have the fortitude to faithfully record just about every single thing that happens in their lives which they feel is worth blogging about. But I believe that I might as well make it worth my while in setting up this blog by writing something of interest down. As Jin stated once, "something on your blog is better than nothing," well, it was something to that effect at any rate.

Well, for this one, I guess it would only be right for me to add my little bit to the whole football mania that has taken practically the whole flaming world by storm. Yes, that's right, it's World Cup 2006, an event that had been talked about as early as January this year, more enthusiastically so in the last few days before the actual start of it, and now even more of it since it started last Friday. In fact, I must've heard enough football dialogarrhoea within the last few days to last me a lifetime, but I know only too well, that is and will never be the case. Unless some catastrophic event occurs that wipes football off from the face of this earth.

Well, come to that, if ever that does happen, everything might as well go to heck too.

It should be clear to anyone who knows me relatively well, that I'm not really a football fan(atic). In fact, I know a lot less than some others when it comes to that sport. I've never actively watch the matches, or understand any implications that may come with radio sports news related to football. In fact, I am not a sporting guy at all in that sense. Heh heh heh...

Tonight is the match between Australia and Japan. I'm not a fan of either. But given the choice, I'd be rooting for the Japs. If nothing else to support a fellow Asian country in this great sporting event, even if I'm but a clueless sod who knows but little of this great sport that has existed way before I was friggin born.

Well, that's about all for now. My neural motors have run out of anything else substantial to say for the time. So until next time then. And keep watching folks.

Missing you

2006-05-16T10:02:00.000+08:00

I miss you.

That's all I can say about what I feel for you right now.

It might sound stupid, crazy, immature, whatever you want to call it.

But the fact is that I miss you, everyday of my life, and more than I can say.

If it wasn't so serious, I wouldn't be writing this now.

Telling the whole world (if it came to that) what I feel for you, and how much you mean to me right now.

But what is it exactly that I feel for you?

Is it love? Lust? Infatuation?

Truthfully, I don't know.

All I know is that it cannot possibly be love.

Because I don't think it's mature enough to be considered love.

I say it's not infatuation.

Because then it wouldn't be worth my time writing this.

And it certainly isn't lust.

Because otherwise, this post would be whole lot more...obscene...?

.......

Whatever it may be, this feeling, it's really cutting me deep.

It shows, but people don't know it.

Well, most people that is.

They just don't know how much you have changed and affected my life.

They don't understand the impact you've made in me.

Chances are, they probably wouldn't understand it anyhow.

They'd probably think me a fool for making it what it is in my life now.

Maybe they're right, maybe I am a fool.

That I've been blindly chasing ghosts all along.

That I'm holding onto a fading dream, that has turned into a waking nightmare.

That what I'm hoping for in the end, is just simply, utterly impossible.

Why? Because it seems like a one-way thing.

That I feel something for you, but get nothing in return.

That I send you messages, but get no response.

All in all, I really seem to be pursuing something that's non-existent.

Maybe I'm hoping too much. Hoping for too much.

But until the day comes when there's nothing to hold me back, hope is all I have.

Some say hope is the first step on the road to disappointment, I'm not about to argue with that.

After all, I've seen it happening firsthand in my life.

But this is something I know that's worthwhile hoping and waiting for.

Because if I didn't, then my life would well be meaningless.

Because then, I'd have something to hold onto.

Something I know I could win.

Someone I could spend the rest of my life with.

There will be disappointments, there will be hurts.

But that's part of life.

That's part of what to expect from life.

In the meantime, all I can do now is just wait, hope and do what I can for my future.

And I know you'd do the same for yours.

Because I know that's the type of person you are.

And that's one of the reasons why I chose you of all people.

And so I end by saying that while I think about you and miss you very much every single day of my life,

I'll be waiting, patiently, always.

Because that's as close to love as it can get for me.

Yours truly, now and always.

Monday blues...

2006-05-02T18:25:00.001+08:00

In case anyone's wondering what the heck the two posts before this are all about, they were pretty much written at the spur of the moment. In other words, they were the spawn of a random and chaotic mind at that point in time. If you're wondering what the heck prompted me to write them; don't worry then, because I'm still wondering about that too.

A friend of mine actually says that I'm mentally imbalanced. I don't know though if he meant that I was insane in a "quiet" way, because that's what I think I am. But that's a topic of discussion for another time. In the meantime...

Many people I know have a terrible opinion of Mondays for some reason or other; most times I am simply baffled at what they find so bad about it, barring the fact that its the first day at the borstals of every stripe for the week. Otherwise, I had never seen a reason to decry Mondays as bad. But then came yesterday, and that gave me a reason to hate Mondays too.

Well, I guess it isn't so much Mondays as it is the fact that it was Labour day yesterday. And the phenomena that this holiday sparks off is just incredible in my opinion.

For starters, by Saturday morning, the streets of Malacca were already starting to sport a goodly number of vehicles from outstation. Way too much for those odd Malaccan citizens owning vehicles with outstation number plates to be the reason (that including me).

By the afternoon, I decided to buy my ticket back to Subang Jaya in advance for caution's sake. Much to my annoyance (then), almost all the time slots were sold out, with the 6:30 pm and 7:30 pm buses being the only ones left. Naturally I bought a ticket for the bus at 6:30 pm, already feeling extremely pissed off at the number of outstation interlopers messing up things to my inconvenience. But I hadn't felt anything yet.

By evening, traffic had build up considerably (an understatement really). That would've been quite normal, considering that it's a weekend night. But to see the sheer amount of vehicles on the road that night, not to mention the amount of idiots behind the wheel amongst them was nothing short of supreme annoyance. It was enough to make me want to get down and vandalise their vehicles with the lead pipe stowed behind my car. Ok, the last part was made up, but everything else was unfortunately true. Unfortunately for me, that is.

The most arse-pissing part of all this is of course Monday. The actual holiday itself, which no one really gave a damn about. In fact, the only thing they probably gave a damn about for that day was to get back to whereever they were from in time to get enough sleep (if that was really on their minds then), and get to work on time the next day (assuming they actually care about their jobs that much too).

Whatever their reasons for going back, the most annoying thing about it all is that these people also seem to have a gestalt consciousness or something. This is what I mean:

Bulk of the people in Malaysia = Shared herd (or is it pack?) animal mentality
Shared herd/pack animal mentality = Going back to their hometowns/states at about the same time
Going back to those hometowns/states at about the same time = One uber massive traffic jam

That's only a brief state of things of course. And to explain it all in full detail is simply draining and depressing. As far as my case is concerned, my bus was delayed from 6:30 pm until nearly 7:30 pm. After that, I was stuck in the aforementioned traffic jam for about 4 hours (I kid you not), with my time during the trip spent between trying to sleep this waking nightmare away or fraying my nerves willfully in this waking nightmare.

In the end, I got to Pudu Raya at about 11 something. Not that bad, considering the hell I'd been through during the trip. To my utter lack of surprise, there were no more Metrobuses left which I could take to Subang Jaya, but I was starting to feel it. Added to that, the exorbitant prices that were charged by taxi drivers to get me there, and then I was really feeling it. By the time I finally got back, I was feeling supremely pissed and supremely tired. And if anyone had asked me if I had a good weekend, I'd probably show him/her a good weekend alright, at the ICU that is.

I guess I'll never appreciate the value of holidays like Labour Day until I start working. Even so, I think I'd rather work somewhere else if the aftermath of this year's holiday is an ominous sign of equally ominous things to come.

A glimpse into the darkness

2006-04-27T08:21:00.000+08:00

What does it mean to be lonely?

What does it mean to be bitter?

What does it mean to be vengeful?

It is really hard to say what causes such sentiments to be.

There are just “too” many reasons or causes.

You could let off a string of them, and there’ll always be more.

As much you’d want to, you cannot deny it.

It is always there.

It will always be there.

In fact, it’s there, right now.

Gnawing away at your insides.

Telling you something’s not right, but you don’t know what.

Or don’t you?

It’d be so easy to put the blame on others.

To point fingers at others as the cause of it all.

To say they are the ones responsible for making you what you are now.

But is it really their fault?

Are they really the ones to be blamed?

Are they responsible for making who and what you are?

Or are you the true demon within?

Infuriating as it seems, the answer is forever elusive to us.

It is an answer none of us can have so soon.

For to understand the nature of this answer is to understand the nature of life itself.

That in itself takes a lifetime to learn and understand.

Therefore the answer again lies there, right before us, within our reach.

All we need to do is merely to survive the journey in getting to that answer.

A tale of epic proportions, best left for another time…

The question and the answer

2006-04-22T16:51:00.000+08:00

Life seems unfair sometimes.

That's what everyone thinks of it every now and then.

When things go horribly wrong, when it seems like everything is a major screw-up, they'd look for something or someone to blame.

Someone......

For those with religions (and even those without), they'd blame God.

They'd say: "God, why did You put me here, in this life and in this position?!?"

"How come my life is this mess, whilst others seem to have everything going good for them?!?"

All the "how"s, "why"s, "who"s, "when"s and whatever other bollocks.

So many questions, so few answers.

They'd question their existence, they'd question the existence of others.

They'd ask a million questions, but there'll never be a clear answer.

For some, they've come to accept their perceived fate.

Others still persist in the "doomed" quest.

The quest to find the answer to everything.

What is the question? And what is the answer?

The question: What is there to life?

The answer: Everything, and nothing.*

Look around you, and into the mirror.

The answers lie there, waiting for you to come and get them.

If you ever do get to them......

(*Eu Jin)

One of the coolest movies I've watched yet.

2006-04-11T00:06:00.000+08:00

I don't know (or really care for that matter) what others think of the way the Wachowski brothers directed the Matrix Trilogy films, but in my opinion, they did a bloody good job with V for Vendetta. And now, there's a new gimmick on Hugo Weaving too. Well, that at least is as far as I'm concerned. To put it in words would be too darn bloody long. So I'll summarise it in pictures instead.

First, in the Matrix Trilogy, he was known as:

Smith. Agent Smith.

Then, in the LOTR Trilogy, he became:

Elrond the Half-elven (according to the books, never mentioned in the movie though)

Now, he has changed yet again, this time into:

V, for Vendetta

Talk about the lasting impressions some people can leave on you. Heh heh heh...

Anyway, for those who haven't watched the movie yet, this is a definite must. If not for the thought-provoking political, social and moral messages this movie may convey to you, then for the damn good action involved.

"Remember, remember the fifth of November..."

I turn(ed) 19

2006-03-28T19:18:00.000+08:00

By rights, it's somewhat late to be posting this up only now. But hey, it's my birthday, a special occasion to and for me. Therefore, what should it matter if I wanted to write something about it only a month later or what? But I'm talking out of my arse here, so back to the topic at hand...

It's been 3 days since I turned 19, hence the bracketed "ed". As is the custom of my family when it comes to celebrating birthdays these days, it wasn't really anything extravagant. Just a dinner out at one of those fancy restaurant, cake, some photoshots to remember the occasion, birthday wishes by way of MSN, SMS and Friendster testimonials, and that's all there is to it. And in case anybody's wondering, there was no grand party thrown at my house or outside, no presents, no expectation of presents and whatever-else-have-you. It's probably the ultimate embodiment of what it means to have a quiet, simple birthday celebration, just about every other year.

I must admit I feel somewhat sorry for my brother this year. His birthday happens to fall one day later than mine, but since it's only one day apart, we just celebrate it together most of the time anyway. The reason why I feel sorry for him, is because he turns 21 this year. And that is like, a pretty significant age here in this society. You'd probably think he ought to mark the occasion with maybe some big bang of a party and all that bollocks. But what did he get instead? Just another joint birthday celebration with me that was just as simple as it always is. Maybe I'm only imagining things up, but although he may act cool and nonchanlant about it on the outside, as always, sometimes I get the feeling that he'd be cursing silently at the fact that our birthdays are but a day apart, and so he'd just have to settle for...second best so to speak. In the event that it's true, even I wouldn't blame him for that.
But on the bright side of it, the cake we get is always double sized. In good eating conditions, it can last for...well, quite a while. Hehehehe......
Also about birthday gifts. I recall telling someone once that I actually don't even expect to get anything on my birthdays. And his reaction to that was as though I insulted his grandmother or something. I mean, the concept of expecting birthday presents was probably more for little children back then. But since secondary school, that idea of birthdays just somehow faded away. But that is not to say that I don't appreciate gifts that come my way. In fact, I would be very surprised to get anything at all for my birthdays. I kid you not.
Well, that's about all I have to say about birthdays and all. And here's a shot of the occasion to go with it. And a happy belated birthday to myself.

A photo of me at the restaurant on my birthday night, in which I feel that I look positively retarded, for some reason.

To be a better man

2006-03-20T20:16:00.000+08:00

It's now nearly a week since this memorable (maybe only to me) event happened. And for days I've been wanting to post it out, but I never got around to it for two reasons.

1. I was afraid that I'd start diluting the truth of the matter and add in stuff that didn't happen at all, so I hesitated writing about...for quite a while.
2. I was just plumb l-a-z-y to do it.

But in any case, here I am, deciding not to be afraid or ashamed to admit it here. And for some reason, I am once again reminded of the idea of a closet homosexual coming out into the open with his/her sexuality. But that is NOT the case here, alright? So don't start putting up stupid comments pertaining to this line (you know who you are).

As the title should suggest, I've changed (or am trying to change) my character for the better. That includes discarding (or attempting to) my old personality which (as many people who've interacted with me would know) was mainly being depressed, moody, and self-loathing. In a manner of speaking, I became a self-destructive coward. I say this because on one hand, I wanted to go all out to willfully ruin my own life the way others did by way of drugs or alcohol or some other vice(s); but at the same time, I still had a sense of self-preservation that held me back from doing that. I guess it was mainly the weight of the responsibility I had towards my family and friends as a son, brother and a friend that held me back from really destroying my life for good. Or maybe I was really just a slinking coward who didn't have what it took to really do it. Either way, looking back at it now, I thank God that I didn't do it after all. Because I shudder to think of the impact it would leave on the people who care for me.

Speaking of God's intervention, I have a lot to thank Him for as well, other than just preventing me from screwing up my own life completely and permanently. Because He was the one who showed me that my life isn't as bad as it looks after all. Since my life had this turn-around, I'm right now trying to get back to Him. Before this, I always had this notion that I could never be forgiven because I felt that I'd walked away from Him too many times. And no matter what people may have said of God's forgiving nature, I felt that even I may have overstepped the line. So, I called it quits, more or less. I tried as much as I could to distance myself from the church and anything to do with God. And perhaps that was what led to my problems too.

In any event now, I'm very grateful to God for having pulled me out of this before it was too late. And I hope to be able to repay Him for all He's done for me. As far the practical side of me is concerned with that at the moment, I feel like I can never repay Him enough for it all.

Perhaps the most interesting thing about this change in my life is how it came about in the first place. It may not be so to others, but it does mean something to me. It all started when I was at an all-time low, where I really felt that I needed some advice and/or help before I really snapped and did something I would regret for the rest of my life. And I felt that the best person to go to for such counsel was my personal tutor and Legal Skills lecturer. Looking back on it again, I sometimes feel that the only reason I sought her out for this help was because I had a considerably favourable stance with her. (meaning I haven't pissed her off in class yet) But as it turned out, her words did wake me up out of my depression. What she said exactly, I can't really recall now, but it was significant enough that as I reflected on it and on my life that I realised she was right. And so that was what prompted me to try and change for the better.

Some people may call me an optimist, others a dreamer, I have no idea what others still may think of this. But this I do know. My conscience is clear, and I know that this is my stand in life. It may seem stupid or irrational, but God works in unexpected ways. Put your trust in Him, and you can't go wrong. I'm glad I believe in that.

Looks like I'll be staying on at Taylor's after all...

2006-02-27T18:23:00.000+08:00

I've said it before, I'm not really a religious person, nor am I a fervent believer in divine intervention. But somehow I knew when I got the call from my mother today, telling me that my applications to NUS had been rejected, I was fated (if you could put it that way) to continue on in Taylor's Law School and then carry on with the program at the University of Reading in the UK for my third year.

I guess in many ways, this could be considered to be more of a good thing than not. For one, I still get to go back home often. I don't think it'll be that frequent though, come second year. Besides that, I've also grown to be comfortable with the programme here and the students and teachers (all that attraction bollocks). There're probably more reasons why I'm very thankful to remain here at Taylor's Law School, but I don't think I can list them out right now; seeing as how my brain has been reduced to mush at this point.

Well, in any case, the best benefit I can think of with this situation in hand is that I don't need to worry myself silly over deciding where to study now. I'd more or less made up my mind to stay on here, even in the event that I do receive a place at the Arts and Social Sciences faculty (which I did not by the way). So, that's one problem I know that's finally resolved.

Again this is an uncommon notion that comes to me to say the least, but perhaps God really does have something planned out for me that I probably just don't know of. As people like to say at times: "Our Lord works in mysterious ways," I sure as feck have no idea right now what His plan is for me. All I can do right now is to carry on with the path I've got, and see what happens along the way.

That, and the fact that I've got to start looking for a new place to stay since I'll be moving out of my current place by the end of March. And I'll have to get adjusted to some of the more...undesireable aspects of the life here at TLS. Talk about a messed up start to a new life. *sighs* Oh well...

"Debate Competition: A True Underdog Story" and others...

2006-02-20T16:55:00.000+08:00

Haha, actually the title is not entirely true. It really depends on how you look at it. But for now I'll just say that we were utterly convinced that day that we were underdogs with little or no experience in debating and that we were going to be trounced, badly at that, by our opponents.

We were so very bloody wrong.

By saying "we", I mean of course my two teammates and I in one group, and three other students from my class in the other group. We were the only class in the law school (well considering the fact that there's only three classes in the entire law school, that's not really saying much) to have two teams competing in the debate competition last Friday.

Looking back at the whole thing now, I can think of only two possibilities as to how we managed to win both debates that day against the 1st year cohort 1 students, as well as the 2nd year students. It's either they are as bad as us when it comes to debating, or we just got incredibly lucky that they lost to us. For the sake of respect, I would assume that it was most probably the latter. Maybe there's also some reverse psychology involved in there too. The more we became convinced we were going to lose, the better we actually became. But, ah what the feck, who cares now?

In any case, there's really nothing more to the whole thing now as far as I'm involved, it was only that I came, I participated, and then the results of the whole thing. To put things simply, I'm just tired of even thinking about it. So tired in fact, that I really feel like crawling into a grave right now and staying in there for good. By the way, this is not the first time I felt like this, and no, this is not attempting suicide either.

But then, whenever I recall Ms. Sujata talking about the prizes they've got in store for the champions of the REAL debate competition this July, my interest (or more likely greed) gets pricked up by it. I mean RM2000 given to the best speaker of the whole competition is just something you don't pass up like that! Any Tom, Dick and bloody Harry could have a shot at that. Feck, I could get a shot at that lot of cash myself! But unfortunately I'm not on the team singled out to beat "the boys", so too bad... *a ballon fizzles out somewhere* There's hope yet that I might make on the team for the actual competition though. But I still really don't know about the thing on the whole. (See fourth post for further clarification)

The debate competition business aside, I tested out "Gun" last Friday and Saturday as well. Yet another PC gaming experience to teach me the harsh lesson of having good sleeping patterns, lest my system becomes so screwed up that I'll be in a lot of shite before the year is out. It's a pretty good game on the whole, albeit somewhat short on the story like Fable: The Lost Chapters. Then again, as mentioned earlier, I got so caught up in the game that I ended up finishing it at the sacrifce of sleep. Not a very good trade there I can tell you, especially if you're more of a day person like me. Plus I was also playing on easy mode, which would explain the quickness of finishing the game up. But some of the scenarios still took some figuring out that I still failed or died a couple of times before getting the idea. But still, a good game on the whole in my opinion.

Accompanied my dad to Singapore to send some supplies to Vince and then bring him back with us for a few days back home as well during the weekend. Apparently, he's got a few days off, but it won't be long till he's got to get back again. Well, I've got some weeks off myself, and the plus side is I can go back later than he can. After all, I'm situated in Subang Jaya, which is definitely closer than Singapore. But on the downside, he's got more resources there than I do here. So technically, he's better off than I am. (It's times like these I wish I had, if nothing else, my own laptop at least)

Oh well, I can only hope now that my application to NUS comes through positive. That, and the fact that I'd have made up my mind about going there to study too.

Of parting friends and Valentine's Day.

2006-02-14T18:56:00.000+08:00

These last few days has been nothing if not bringing back a lot of memories and feelings for me. The post title should be able to say as much about it, although I really wouldn't know what kind of feelings and/or memories Valentine's Day would bring in for me. ;)

First off was last weekend, nothing nostalgic or sentimental about it if you really want to know. Just that I was near frozen numb and stiff sitting in the damned bus back to Malacca for about three hours straight, and then having to shift to another bus because the one I was on had some engine difficulties or somesuch. To add to the already hideous conditions of things, it was bloody cold and rainy last Friday all throughout the day. It was certainly one of the most arse-pissing days I'd ever had the misfortune to have lived through. At least I managed to enjoy Battle Realms and the expansion pack for the weekend (yea I know, bloody old game it is; but it's my choice, so piss off if you don't like it).

Saturday and Sunday weren't much to shout about either, it was all the usual: work, housechores, etc... But at least mum cooked a pasta she just learnt about recently, and it was pretty good. And also she and dad went out for a movie together...alone if I might add. I should think it's quite safe to say that that hasn't happened...well, let's just say since they had Vincent. Hahahahaha... (just hope he doesn't find out I said this, otherwise, I'll be really fucked the next time he comes back) Besides, it was that recent movie with Rowan Atkinson, "Keeping Mum" they were watching. There might be some coincidental (and perhaps hidden) implications there about their watching such a movie. But if there really is, I probably wouldn't know about it, and wouldn't want to know at that. ;)

Oh yea, and on Sunday, the bus trip back to KL was about as fecked up as it was on the way to Malacca. Was stuck in traffic for nearly an hour, and it rained heavily like feck too, so I had to dash from shelter to shelter to catch the Metro-townbus. At least I didn't get that wet, luckily. But afterwards, I was inexplicably feeling terribly depressed upon reaching SS15...as usual.

Come yesterday and it was a bit more of a hustle and bustle in college than usual. It seemed like almost everyone was preparing for something, I think it was all that Valentine's shite I saw today all around the fecking campus. Anyway, classes were as usual, and the highlight of the day was meeting up with Erin and most of the rest of the old (well, not really that old, but you get the picture, right?) ICPU gang. The reason was because Erin wanted to meet up with all of us one last time before she went to Sydney to study.

It's actually very sad, bordering onto tragedy to know that close friends are departing one by one; but hey that's why I put up that Keane song on my blog to remind myself of the inevitability of change with the years. So in spite of all that, I can still have a smile (or near enough) on my face and keep on going with life no matter what. Besides, I can still keep in touch with her through MSN, so it's not really as bad as it seems. The only things I've got to whine about yesterday was that I spent quite a bit yesterday (what with buying lunch there and watching movie to boot), and that I came home at about 10 something last night. That's about as late as late gets as far as me coming back from an outing here at Subang Jaya is concerned. It was also one of the few times I'd ever been to Sunway Pyramid (yes, now you know exactly how little, if not non-existent, of a life I have here at Subang Jaya. Tragic I tell you, just tragic). So I really cherish that time we had together then, for what it was worth.

As for today, it can only be considered as...strange, to me that is. I guess it was because it was Valentine's Day today, and so most if not all the enthusiasts for this occasion wore pink or red stuff to college, and they were engaged in raising funds (translation: swindling idiots) for their respective programmes by selling (translation: pestering, persuading or intimidating people into submission to buy) all sorts of home-made cookies and the like.

I've never really had cause to be enthusiastic about this occasion before, and seeing a feck lot of people (especially guys) in red and pink is just one plumb fugly sight to me. But then this year, I did do something for Valentine's Day, and no, I didn't send flowers or chocolates or any other kind of gift like that to that someone special. Instead, me being the practical (and cheapskate) guy that I am, decided to send a Valentine's message via Friendster. Truthfully, I'd been wanting to see what the thing did for a while, and it turns out more or less that my estimation of it was not that off. But I still think it's rather sweet and thoughtful to do something like that for someone that you know and care about. Especially if you're quite a distance away from that someone, and that you would have no way (or idea for that matter) of getting a Valentine's gift to him/her.

And even as I think back now on the fact that I did such a thing today, I feel inexplicably awkward and stupid at times for having done so. At least, if there's one thing I can console myself about, it's that I actually was bold enough to do something for this occasion when I really wanted to (unlike some other idiotic cowards who won't even acknowledge the fact that they know a girl, to say nothing of liking her or not).

Well, only time will tell now if what I did was ok (I can't think this was ever a smart or right thing to do), or if it was one of the stupidest things I've ever done in my life. So until next time then...and Happy Valentine's Day...while it's still here......

Yours truly,
KTTJ.

It must be an unlovely day today...

2006-02-09T19:02:00.000+08:00

It's a dreary (and fecking cold) evening at about 7.00 pm here in my college library where I'm taking time off to rest my brain (and my eyes) from non-stop reading Criminal Law textbooks since what, 5.00 pm? May not seem like a lot of time spent at studying, but I'm a special case (haha, come to that, almost everybody I know is a special case as well).

The thought of her came to my mind again today, several times throughout no less. Bloody hell, what the feck is wrong with me?!? Why is it that when I've made up my mind never to think about the whole thing at this point in time, it just comes right back at me? Is this some sort of fecking curse that I'm to be fecking stuck with for the rest of my fecking life until something substantial about it happens?!?

*sighs* I guess it just might be a sign that I can never let go of the ghost of her in my life, and that she's going to keep on haunting me no matter what. And how strange it feels to think that I've known her for only what, about two years now? It's more or less that amount of time, yea...so short a time, yet so big an impact she made in my life.

They say love hurts and that is so fecking true. They also say that love is blind; and some people have gone on to add (these ones I like) that love is also deaf, dumb and downright stupid. In my opinion, I subscribe to all of those categories. Not only does it hurt me most deep down inside, but I keep on ambling about blindly in it, I am deaf to the advice of others around me about it - good or bad, I can't say what I really feel from the bottom of my heart to anyone, and...well...I'm just plain fecking stupid when it comes to such matters. haha

Sometimes I really just wonder: In the end, who is it that I'm really trying to please with what I do and what I am? Is it her? Or is it myself? I'm really afraid to answer that question, truth be told; but I know that sooner or later, I have to do something about it. Otherwise, it'll eventually crumble in on itself, and I may never get a chance to know the truth. I know of people who would just advise me to stop agonising over this and just go for it. But I hold back, suffering in silence (well, sort of). Why? Because even if she didn't tell me that she didn't want to get into this sort of thing yet (which she did by the way), I know I sure as feck am not ready for it myself. Feck, come to that, I haven't even confessed my true feelings for her, though I did throw her some hints in the past which I think were so bloody stupid and obvious. Whether she knows it or not, she hasn't told me...yet...and I don't think I'd ever want to find out about it for now either.

*sighs* Well, there's really nothing I can do about this thing for now, except to hope for things to brighten up. Not really much hope there I can tell you. But hey, miracles can happen. And who knows what miracle may happen my way?

Guess that's about all I've got to say for today. Better get back to studying (assuming I can study still in this mood - haven't really got a choice there I suppose). Have a pleasant evening then people, and goodnight.

Yours truly,
KTTJ.

Everybody's Changing - Keane

2006-02-08T19:13:00.001+08:00

You say you wander your own land
But when I think about it I don't see how you can
You're aching, you're breaking
And I can see the pain in your eyes
Says everybody's changing
And I don't know why

So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same

You're gone from here
And soon you will disappear
Fading into beautiful light
Cause everybody's changing
And I don't feel right

So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same (Repeat chorus)

Oh, everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same

"What is my destiny?"

2006-02-07T19:30:00.000+08:00

Haha, let me start by saying that in popular culture those days (and these days still), that phrase would probably only be something some confused protagonist from some fiction or other would spout out when confronted with the hokey question about his/her life or past or future or something along those lines.

But it still does prompt one to think about it in more practical terms nonetheless (one of them being me obviously); what is my destiny? Or to put it more simply, what's my future going to be like? What am I going to do in the future? What will I be like in years to come? It's pretty much safe to say that almost every single individual on this world has asked him/herself that question once in their lifetime. And it's just as safe to say that some of us still ask ourselves that question once in a while, from time to time.

I for one should know, I have absolutely no idea of what I'd want to do in the future, for now at least. I mean people usually know at least what their ambition(s) are, it's one the factors of life that we can take control of to a certain degree. But here I am, as clueless as a dodo, about what I'd want to do with the rest of my life. I don't know what I'd be interested to want to study as far as tertiary education is concerned. And I'm just as helpless in deciding what kind of career I'd want to take up as well now.

In some ways I have my parents, especially my mother, to blame for my present state of mind. My father for one would just tell me to go with what I think and feel is the best thing for me. So technically, he doesn't mind one way or another what I take up, as long as I'm happy with it, and I can earn a honest, decent living with it too. My mother on the other hand seems to be all for me doing what she thinks is best for me and my future, i.e. insisting that I take up law whether it be at Taylor's Law School or at NUS...if I ever get into NUS, and if I do get accepted into the law faculty there, and those are very big IFs.

For now, I can only think of it that my interests as far as academia is concerned run to a number of branches as well. I'm as interested in law as I am in say, sociology, history and any other art or social science disciplines. The trouble I'm faced with right now is determining whether or not it's what I'd really want to do, and if I can make a honest, lucrative living out of it in future.

As far as my mother is concerned (or the way I see it at least), there is little if not no good opportunities at all that Art and Social Science subjects can offer by way of careers. And unless I'm dead set on doing it and making my way to the top of things in that field, I would be better off looking in another direction then. I used to be convinced that teaching was what I wanted to get into if ever I was able to get into NUS. But then after hearing all that my mother kept on telling me about it and other professions she could think of, it didn't seem so appealing after that. And that's when her indoctrination (mind you, this is really about the only way I can think of describing the way she tried to drum it into my head) of the virtues of studying the law came in.

I can't say that all the blame falls on my parents either, this is partially my fault as well. I tend to be a rather carefree person when it comes to these kinds of things (which in my opinion is nothing short of suicidal, one way or another) . And even with that kind of disposition, I should still have had a rough idea of what it was that I wanted to do later on in life. But as it was, I didn't. Circumstances in my life perhaps also had a part to play in this, but that's another story for another time. Ultimately here I am, stuck in the kind of mess that I'm in now, wondering how on earth am I ever going to get out of it.

As it is, it's pretty much amazing that I have the time to do this, what with the stuff I have to prepare for my law classes tomorrow. But then again, I've always been a suicidal guy who couldn't give a damn (at times anyway) about what's going to come tomorrow. But I think at this point, that's not for me. So I think I'd better finish this off soon.

At any rate, there are a number of possible solutions I can think of to my situation. One possible suggestion which any Tom, Dick and Harry could (and probably would) tell me is to ask friends and family for advice. Another suggestion is to seek professional advice about pursuing my studies. Yet another which is most likely to come from my more spiritual friends is to pray to God about it, and let Him solve the matter. Now I'm not pious or anything, but I must admit, if there's one thing I never liked about that suggestion, it's that it's sometimes (this being a debatable understatement) used only as a last resort. And therefore, you somehow can't help but feel extremely (and quite rightly) guilty for treating God as though His help was like some desperate last resort to your troubles, only after everything else had failed.

I guess in the end, it's as they'd always say: "It's all up to you," or "it's your choice," I think they forgot to add the fact that it is indeed all up to you, only until a certain point. But bloody hell, I think I might get sick of that phrase too someday. Then again, I'm also guilty of using it on other people, so maybe not...just...yet...

Well, I guess that's about all from me for now. See you all some other time, and good luck with pursuing your ambitions, if you're still doing so that is.

Yours truly,
KTTJ.

Budding author in the process

2006-02-07T09:05:00.000+08:00

The people who know me personally in this aspect of myself (or at least well enough that they think they can make a safe judgment of things) would probably have mixed feelings and reactions about this statement.

Some may acknowledge the fact that yes, I do have the potential to come up with a creative and enjoyable piece of written work.

Others may take this with a pinch (or shovel, take your pick) of salt and just wait to see if I can come up with something.

Others still may just simply laugh their heads off at the idea that I would be able write a story at all - to say nothing of it being good or not - by any reasonable stretch of imagination.

Regardless of whatever people's opinions may be, the fact of the matter is that I am coming up with not one but two stories that can be considered to be a merger of science-fiction and fantasy settings (ooo...how fascinating...as though others haven't done it already!!!).

It seems pretty ambitious and perhaps even a little far-fetched for a guy in my position right now; but when you've been having these thoughts in your head and thinking of putting them on paper for as long as I had, you'd probably wait no longer too. I guess it's needless to say at this point that I've always been a fan of action comics. And when I use the term "action" here, I mean as in almost any type of comic that involves heroes of some sort thrown into some conflict or other (sometimes so great, you'd think God had smaller problems creating and running the universe when compared to their problems) with their (sometimes) numerous enemies who either seek nothing more than world domination, or to just make life a living hell for the poor guys.

Then maybe you'd have a damsel (or the male equivalent at times) in distress (or in whatever other situation the writers could think of), some stalwart companions (or otherwise) here and there, an enigmatic stranger who either helps or hinders the protagonist's quest, etc...you ought to have gotten the picture by now then.

You could say that I'm also something of a goth and noir fan (some people would probably think they know now why I'm the type of person I am). That said, I'm something of a half-baked fan of guys in these genres like The Crow, Max Payne, Batman, The Shadow, and many other dark vigilantes and anti-heroes you'd probably have heard of somewhere or other (I say half-baked because there'll always be some stuff or other about them that I just don't agree with or like, but still like them on the whole anyway). No matter what your opinion may be of them, you've got to admit that there's always something about them that you find appealing and just plain cool. That explains why they're as popular as they are today and why people still read their comics or watch the film adaptations even though the movie reviews say they suck big time.

Getting back to topic at hand, I guess it wouldn't be fair to say that I'm only interested in one genre alone because my interests actually run in all directions. And who's to say that you can't add elements of Superman into Batman's story or whatever other newfangled ideas people may be able to come up with? If you want an even clearer picture of radical ideas, try the idea of gay comic characters then. I think it's safe to say that just a decade back, people found the idea unthinkable and some still do perhaps, one of them being me (yea, now you know that I'm somewhat homophobic, so stay away gays ;p).

Wuxia comics and Japanese manga and anime also has to be one of the most important influences and inspirations for me in prompting me to start my own written stuff. There's also something unique about them that you'll probably never find in Western comics. I think one of the most prominent features about Asian comics of any type is that they stick to only one comic book and that's that. Unlike the westerners who can come up with at least half a dozen variations of the same comics that you don't even know after that which one's the canonical one. That, and the fact that Asian artists (or some of them anyway) have artwork so good that even westerners know to hire their services as well.

So after all my ramblings about whatever was up there (I sometimes never make it a point to recall about 85% and above of whatever I'd just written up there, just so you know), people would then be wondering: So what are your stories all about then?!? Wasn't that like, the main idea of you writing this effing post?!? Well, sad to say, it's not completed yet, the stories I mean. And as we all know (or should know), good authors never let out the secrets of their work to the public (not if they can help it, that is). As for me, I can only hope that this won't become just some passing fancy that would soon be displaced in favour of my other priorities. (Don't we all have that kind of problems all the time?)

Well, that's about it from me on this. Have a nice day and keep on blogging ye blog-blokes. Get it?!? Blog-blokes...ahaha...lame-ass......

Yours truly,
KTTJ.

Happy Fragging Chinese New Year

2006-02-04T17:58:00.000+08:00

Well (sighs resignedly), it's more or less the end of the Chinese New Year holiday week. And for most of us, it simply means to be back at borstal to be weighed down with more assignments, reading, projects and whatnot. Basically, the stuff that all students go through year after year at education institutions of every stripe. But the idea here is to talk about what happened during the week and not after it, simply because everybody knows what happens after the holidays (well, almost everybody; there are special cases in existence you know).

For me, this year was pretty much no different from any other CNY holiday week I've gone through before. But I'd also be wrong to say it was the same as before, because it wasn't. Now I'm not trying to make myself sound stupid or controversial, nor am I trying to say that this is some sort of yearly deja vu in my life, but this year's CNY holiday in particular has brought some really surprising moments in my life. And I know of some of them that I could well do without due to the indescribable amount of confusion, frustration and pain they now plague me with.

One of the most obvious major changes I noticed has to be the decrease of relatives who make it back for a reunion. If you have an extended family as large as mine on both sides, you should know what I mean with this.

I guess it becomes inevitable that with the advancing years, people move on with their lives, sometimes that includes moving off to another country too. And to cut the story short, it definitely feels and is different to think that years ago you'd come back to one heck of a large, noisy family to celebrate CNY with. And then the next thing you know, they're gone, perhaps for good, never to return in your life again. The most you can expect is to see them perhaps once in a blue moon, when they've changed a lot, maybe married, with a kid or two even. As far as I'm concerned with this matter, I hardly see my relatives anymore, apart from the ones back home in Malacca. And even then, it's quite rare that I stay in contact with them.

Perhaps it's the curse of advancement that as we progress on in life, we tend to forget our roots and the family we've more or less left behind. Sad as it is, it is nevertheless a fact of life, one which I must admit I subscribe to as well.

Apart from that, I have now started to interact more with the older members of my extended family, i.e. my uncles and aunts (gasp!). Now that I think back on it, it would have seemed very strange for me to have interacted with members of the older generation the way I did only but a year ago. But then again; when you're faced with the prospect of doing that or being bored to death, you'd probably go for the former as well. I guess this just goes to show that I've also grown up both physically and mentally, enough to be able to interact well with my elders anyway.

The last event of note that has happened particularly to me this week has perhaps left the biggest impact on my life thus far. However I'm not about to reveal it because it involves personal matters and a person close to me whose security I would only jeopardize by revealing his/her name. It is suffice to say that since it happened, I've been falling into troubled sleep for just about every night this week. And I have this nasty feeling that it'll continue to plague me long after this week has passed. I can only hope that things'll turn out better for me...someday...somehow...

Oh yea, and the electricity got fucked up in my neighbourhood for two nights during the festive days; thereby effectively ruining two good CNY nights when we could've enjoyed ourselves. Now how's that for TNB's efficiency then eh?

Well, that's about it for CNY for me this year. I can only hope that next year will bring a better look to it for me. In the meantime, a Happy Fragging Chinese New Year to all of you...one last time...for this week and this year anyway.

Yours truly,
KTTJ.

Introduction

2006-02-03T22:29:00.000+08:00

To be honest, this must be like my fourth attempt at establishing a permanent blog.

I guess many would (or should) be familiar with the other site that allows members to blog; that being Friendster.com of course. If that name doesn't ring a bell; well, I wouldn't blame them for that. There really are people who're blissfully ignorant of its existence, or willfully choose to be that way at any rate.

Anyway to get back on track, I must've tried my hand at blogging on that website three times, before finally giving up on the damned thing because I just simply couldn't be bothered to attend to it consistenly. And that was when I finally decided: to heck with it, and just deleted the damned thing.

Many people would probably be wondering then, what on earth am I doing starting another blog down here? Well I guess part of the reason is one thing that we all fall prey to at some point or other: The curse of peer pressure and influence. My brothers have it, my peers have it; so why not me??? So I thought I'd try my hand at this and start a fresh new blog...one last time, on a website that almost everyone knows is meant for blogging. And if this one gets fucked up like all the others, I'd probably just shrug my shoulders, delete it, and abstain from blogging for good (haha, yea right mate).

At any rate, here I am, writing my very first post out for this thing; which I believe should end quite soon. And all I can say about my whole experience with blogging is this: It has been one heck of journey, filled with new experiences and the unexpected. This may sound cheesy, but believe me, sometimes even you can be surprised at how surprised you were when met with the unexpected (yes I know, rather confusing or lame this last one is).

That said, I shall end my introductory post here and bid you all adieu for now. Honestly speaking, I really hope to see this thing develop into something I can truly call my own piece of work and art. After all, as some people would comment about those deluded, absurd and obnoxious asses who claim to be artists: You can come up with any kind of crap in your imagination, maybe beautify it a little, exhibit it, and you can claim it to be a masterpiece. So, who knows? Maybe a little longer from now, this thing could turn out to be one of the most messed-up pieces of shite in blogdom, and I would be blissfully unaware of that, all the while thinking of it as a masterpiece. Hell, it could probably be that way right now for all I know!!! But let's not get to that right now then, shall we? ;)

So, good day to you all, and keep the blessed faith in blogging, reading blogs and/or posting comments for blog posts; all ye who wouldst tread upon the sacred grounds of blogdom.

Yours truly,
KTTJ.